Monday, October 3, 2011

D.I.Y. Healing a Broken Heart

As a recent major subject in my life, hearing and seeing break ups and divorces of family and friends, and after an heart felt conversation with a fellow mama regarding her divorce, I started reflecting on my past break ups and broken hearts.  I'm not an expert on the subject as my heart has really only been broken once, almost a decade ago, but I do know what that felt like and I know I got through it, and through it, it made me the person I was supposed to be and then I found my best friend and together we made a daughter.  SO, it can be done!

1. Breathe.  This is key.  You know that, I. Can't. Breathe. feeling you get post breakup? It's a panic attack, or at least that's what I felt like.  Like the pain was ripping me into pieces and I couldn't bear it.  Well, I did.  And that's only because I kept breathing.  This concept is simple, and at first it might be the only thing you do because it feels like the hardest thing in the world.  But I promise, if you breathe, you will get through it.

2. Cry.  There were days when all I did was cry.  I know I joke about the fact that I was just a dumb teenage girl who let my emotions get the best of me, but really, it hurt and the tears helped me.  They helped me remember that I was alive.  They let me feel the pain.  I needed to acknowledge the pain, I needed to feel it, to get over it.  Take those moments to feel the pain, where it starts, where it ends, the edges of the pain are the hardest to find but slowly you'll realize that the pain is less each time and your tears will also be less and less each time.

3. Reflect. During those moments of pain and anger, reflect.  Once the split is done; the fighting is over and you're free.  No matter whose fault it was, it's over.  Like a death, once it's done it's done.  There is no need to worry about who was right, or wrong, because it doesn't matter, but what does matter is you.  You are still here, with or without that person, so think about you.  Were you fair? Were you honest?  Were you the best person you could be? If not, this is the time to change that.  I remember how angry, jealous, mean I was at the end of that relationship.  I ruined it, I pushed him away, I was ugly {emotionally}.  And while that's not totally true, it wasn't just me being crazy, it wasn't until I admitted those things that I was able to change them.  I don't get jealous anymore, because who wants to be married to that?  I changed those terrible things about myself in those painful moments, because I knew that if I didn't I would never make anyone happy.  I knew that I could never make myself happy without fixing myself.

4. Create.  Make something. Anything.  I danced.  A lot.  10 hours a week ballet, hip hop, company jazz and lyrical, cheer leading {yes, I was a cheerleader, a flyer to be exact- I know that may shock some of you who know me, but anyway...} and more.  I didn't feel better unless I was moving, unless I was distracted.  And then, eventually, those things became part of me and I felt happy again.  Years later, I created art.  I painted about my pain, my heartbreak and since my husband was there, I painted about him and how he took all that pain and locked it up.  I have the key and can access it for moments like this, but it's not on display anymore, I don't have room for it, the thoughts occupying my head are those of love and excitement, excitement over my daughter's first steps, or her new teeth and most importantly her laugh.  Which sort of leads me to my next one...

5. Forgive.  You won't be able to store the bad memories or give them away until you've forgiven the other person.  It wasn't until years later that I really forgave this boy and his new girlfriend, I was "over it" and happy but still somewhere I was holding onto something, it wasn't until I heard she was pregnant, that I finally, forgave them.  I just couldn't bear the thought of hating {or disliking} someone who was growing a baby, I didn't want that baby receiving any of that negativity, and I guess a part of me has always respected birth and believed in supporting women.  I just thought, mostly subconsciously, she's going to be a mother, she's going to need all the support she can get, all the positive energy she can get.  So in that moment, I forgave them for hurting my sixteen year old self.  And then, I was truly free, truly happy with my life.

I hope everyone reading this knows that I'm not trying to talk about those I love and their situations specifically, but more myself and how I dealt with heartbreak.  This Earth and all it has to offer is too amazing to hold on to all those painful and terrible things, just keep breathing and eventually you will heal and you will love again, even if only yourself.

Happy Heart Healing.

p.s. please do not reproduce my artwork without at least 1. crediting me as the artist 2. letting me know you did so.  thank you.

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