and then? I got sick. Like really sick. Like I couldn't even keep water down for about 8 hours.
He got me a wet washcloth, asked how I was doing, took care of Sonja while she dry heaved in her sleep and then stayed home from work to take care of us, went to the store, fed me, fed her, cleaned the bathroom in the morning and more.
I've never been more grateful for those around me, than when I'm sick. I turn into the biggest baby. I always think I'm going to die. I wish I was dead. Dark depressing thoughts. (I also got angry about all the stuff in my room, and how when I do die, what will be left? a bunch of useless crap. I'm done shopping!... but back to the point of this post). I wonder when this pain and sickness will end and think I really am dying.
and then I don't.
And the people around me comfort me, help me, take care of me, bring me medicinal and healing foods.
Within minutes of requesting advice from fellow breastfeeding mamas on facebook about what I should do to regain nutrition, I had list of suggestions and my midwife was offering to bring me anything I needed. This woman is a life saver. Literally.
1. She monitored and saved my life during labor, my minor bleeding issue was stopped right away, not scary or life threatening because she was there. And she monitored and saved Sonjas too. She calmly unraveled and removed the double looped cord around Sonja's throat. I didn't even know it happened until the next day, my husband mentioned it to me.
2. Recently, with my friend's wedding I was searching for a jacket and she loaned me a beautiful cream wool one. I mean, serious wardrobe saver!
3. Just this past week, she showed up with not just the coconut water I requested but with three, yes three! bags of healing foods and drinks.
So what does all of this have to do with love?
When my husband mentioned that he couldn't believe that she brought so much.
I said, "I can."
"I totally can."
She loves us. loves me. And not just me, like I'm special, but me, like I'm a mom, one of her mom's. A mom she supported during her pregnancy, so that her labor would go smoothly. A mom she watched grow a baby. A mom she nourished with information about parenting. A mom.
But also me, like I AM special. Like, all of her moms are special. Like, she LOVES ALL of us, like we matter, like our babies, our births, our families, our feelings fucking matter.
I am so thankful for that love and for my husbands love. I need that love. I wouldn't survive without it. It's the most important thing (if it can even be classified as a "thing") in my life. It is pure being. It's my daughter, it's me, it's everything. And maybe I needed to get sick to to get over my nagging and annoying ways. Maybe I needed to remember what it feels like to be loved and maybe now I can start loving others like they deserve.
Just something to think about...